Sometimes after you experience a colossal loss, so swift that it cut
through your being like a laser-beam in a matter of few minutes, leaving
a scar is so deep as to split you but so thin that you can't even see
it, it is quite hard to accept reality. It takes time for you to digest ;
you can't believe that your reality just did a double flip on you. You
reject reality like a miserable liver transplant. Like when someone I
loved a lot died. It just happened in a fucking minute. Despite the
irrelevance of feeling in this context, it doesn't really feel fair when
a life that was so much, so full of people who were loved and hated,
loved even more again, of so much effort and struggle, of so many
achievements and dreams just ended in a single tick of the clock.
Sometimes you feel quite strongly that you shouldn't be feeling this way (makes you wonder what exactly 'feeling' is). Maybe because it wasn't fair, because people played all their cards right and still lost the round, because it was the most heartbreaking thing you've seen that makes you question everything that you believe in. I suspect all of us will have our own varied reasons, emotional and otherwise.
Sometime after you decide not to feel anything. You don't want to be the wounded, because reason tells you that you gain nothing by feeling this way. The optimal solution isn't feeling, it is moving on. So you shut down. You decide you don't want to feel anything anymore. Lets kill feeling and bury it with a shovel and plant a neem tree above it; lets do tons of problems, read quantum physics, work out every day, write and forget that you can feel.
Every time, rather inevitably you figure out after a while that it won't work. You want to feel; you want to feel the love that you still desperately clutch as if someone might snatch it away. You want the warmth of all the memories of shared laughter and excitement. You want to have people in your life and feel all of that again. I don't know why but its something human in all probability ( I will understand it someday!). It is kind of scary that you might lose all of it again.
Sometime when you're there, just come back here and read this sentence :
Sometimes you feel quite strongly that you shouldn't be feeling this way (makes you wonder what exactly 'feeling' is). Maybe because it wasn't fair, because people played all their cards right and still lost the round, because it was the most heartbreaking thing you've seen that makes you question everything that you believe in. I suspect all of us will have our own varied reasons, emotional and otherwise.
Sometime after you decide not to feel anything. You don't want to be the wounded, because reason tells you that you gain nothing by feeling this way. The optimal solution isn't feeling, it is moving on. So you shut down. You decide you don't want to feel anything anymore. Lets kill feeling and bury it with a shovel and plant a neem tree above it; lets do tons of problems, read quantum physics, work out every day, write and forget that you can feel.
Every time, rather inevitably you figure out after a while that it won't work. You want to feel; you want to feel the love that you still desperately clutch as if someone might snatch it away. You want the warmth of all the memories of shared laughter and excitement. You want to have people in your life and feel all of that again. I don't know why but its something human in all probability ( I will understand it someday!). It is kind of scary that you might lose all of it again.
Sometime when you're there, just come back here and read this sentence :
"It's okay to be broken".
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