Broken 2

Seems like a weird title doesn't it ? For those of you who are familiar with the painfully struggling manga Bleach, this name is an inadequate effort to emulate the awesome sounding "Shattered Shaft 2" :)  And sadly, my situation is not much different from Ichigo's. He was trapped in a well with his soul severed from his body and if he did not get out of the well within a specified time (sounds very very impossible ) he would turn into a monster feeding on other people. (Some people read manga, get over it !)

A very scary thought looming in my mind is the fact that I can compare everything in the sentence above to the mess/opportunity (I know I'm being way too optimistic here, still :) ), from the top of my head. For those of you who are wondering what this might be about, I'll phrase it simply in my sister's words "More than my fair share of shit coming my way in life".

I had written something a few months back in December when I was in the same place. I'll begin from there.

Things improved for a while from then and they took a deep deep plunge, one unlike any other I've been through. I thought I was lost and I really was lost, things didn't make sense anymore nor did doing things. However in the middle of this hell came a little flickering flame of resolve, perhaps the residual stubbornness that my school teachers had tried so hard to erase.It whispered, 'We have to get out of this, we have to show that we are strong and capable, that we can come back and we can do better'. I listened to it and many more of its companions; the end result being I took a stock of my life as it is, with no lies to sooth myself or no masks to hide behind, for there is nothing to loose for a man who has lost everything (well not exactly, but I think you guys know what I mean ;) ). I managed to shift the focus of my life a little bit, to orient it at things that made me happy and the things that I thought were worth doing. Surprisingly, it worked !!

Those were a few dark months, like the dark ages where no one knows what really happened. Some days were good and some were bad. Some days I managed to hold things together and immensely enjoy doing work I absolutely loved. Some days were downright torture with thoughts zapping  life out of me. This was the long draw period of mourning and coming in terms with what happened; of self-pity, denial, resolve, love, courage, blame  and exploration. I came out of it bit by bit, imperceptibly and glacially slow, scarred and bitter about some things but a better, stronger and more independent person ( I hope :) ), who was not afraid. Believe me, you don't know how good it feels to type down the last part.

My bitterness and lack of ability to trust was a great source of concern for many people who loved me, like my parents and my sister. I could see they were sad, even pained at having to see me like this, yet they couldn't say much. There was nothing to be said.

From these new beginnings, I slowly started trusting people, letting my guard down a bit here and there :) Then it happened again. Luckily or unluckily this time wasn't much different from the last; the demons had slightly different appearances and names, yet they tried to kill the same :) It was also in a sense very different from the last, because I was a different person and much more. Though not elaborating, I should say it was different in a good (for the lack of any other words) or less-bad way.

I don't know whether to laugh at the irony of life, the extreme unlikelihood of what happened or to cry at being struck down twice by the same thing. I don't know what to do with the bitterness or the lack of trust. I don't know which path to walk or where to go.

This time I'm a stronger person, more aware of what he is, his pitfalls and strengths; someone capable of saying 'I did the right thing, irrespective of how I feel' and being able to live with it.

I just hope this will be something that I'll be able to look back to when I'm old (and a bit wiser probably :D ) and say to my 20 year old self  'Hang in there dude, you'll just do splendid :)'.