I know I have not written much in a while and that is not because nothing interesting is happening in my life or because I'm too busy to write. I've been feeling blue and feared that if I write something these feelings might spill over to it. The realization that it doesn't matter, these words are my canvas which I can paint whatever shade of blue I want came only today.
I had just typed a sentence saying how two new great things in my life had not gone the way I wanted before I realized that I was nitpicking. One of them, though quite tough had made me for the first time, stand on my own completely and take responsibility. It was (still is, as it is going on) a great learning experience , helping me generate knowledge on my own for the first time and believe me once you have had taste of it, you'll never stop. On the other foot, I learned how much essential people who assist you and mentor you are.
The second thing also didn't turn out the way I wanted to and it was more scarring than the first. I blamed myself for all my shortcomings and pitfalls (still am to an extent) and chose not to look at a more realistic picture. However hard it is for me to go through this, it has drove me to learn a great deal about depression (hopefully I'll be able to help my other friends if they have to go through this) and how it works and managed to see my own prejudices, fears and phobias, stress, anxiety and fairly ridiculous thought patterns. Also I've come to understand that there is never an emotional plateau, but an emotional sea of highs and lows and time can pull you out of either one. I can actually forgive myself and others.
There are things about me which I wished were otherwise. Now some of them seem silly, accepting who you are despite being different from others is not as easy as it sounds when it comes to the very core of your being. Then I understood some of my actions were actually towards gaining respect of all the people who have left or rejected me from my childhood and that it didn't matter because it wasn't an issue of respect at all, rather it is human nature. I have a fairly abundant amount of flaws to make anyone jealous, but they are my own ! There are also a fairly abundant amount of good things, as it is for all of us. I'm not saying that I got there but definitely I'm on my way and as the saying goes, beginning is half the journey.
And lifting the two bad things are the things that have gone well. I started writing my dream blog and started my photography page despite how sensitive I'm about it. I learned how to drive and got my license and actually found driving to be fun. I read like a shipwrecked victim before a sumptuous meal and that too fairly adventurously :) Also managed to catch up with a lot of friends and meet them. Played a part in a new initiative and lead a small part of it. Managed to replenish some part of my thoughts and lack of belief :) and so the list goes.
There is no use weighing the two against each other because it doesn't matter. Good things have happened and that's more than enough.
It is going to be a slow journey up hill and I'm 110% sure that there are going to be more down hills in future, maybe even steeper than this one, but ultimately it has helped me understand and do a lot and above all to question fears,beliefs and assumptions usually beyond your reach. Also I'm in no hurry to reach the top of the hill because the journey there matters a whole world more.
I had just typed a sentence saying how two new great things in my life had not gone the way I wanted before I realized that I was nitpicking. One of them, though quite tough had made me for the first time, stand on my own completely and take responsibility. It was (still is, as it is going on) a great learning experience , helping me generate knowledge on my own for the first time and believe me once you have had taste of it, you'll never stop. On the other foot, I learned how much essential people who assist you and mentor you are.
The second thing also didn't turn out the way I wanted to and it was more scarring than the first. I blamed myself for all my shortcomings and pitfalls (still am to an extent) and chose not to look at a more realistic picture. However hard it is for me to go through this, it has drove me to learn a great deal about depression (hopefully I'll be able to help my other friends if they have to go through this) and how it works and managed to see my own prejudices, fears and phobias, stress, anxiety and fairly ridiculous thought patterns. Also I've come to understand that there is never an emotional plateau, but an emotional sea of highs and lows and time can pull you out of either one. I can actually forgive myself and others.
There are things about me which I wished were otherwise. Now some of them seem silly, accepting who you are despite being different from others is not as easy as it sounds when it comes to the very core of your being. Then I understood some of my actions were actually towards gaining respect of all the people who have left or rejected me from my childhood and that it didn't matter because it wasn't an issue of respect at all, rather it is human nature. I have a fairly abundant amount of flaws to make anyone jealous, but they are my own ! There are also a fairly abundant amount of good things, as it is for all of us. I'm not saying that I got there but definitely I'm on my way and as the saying goes, beginning is half the journey.
And lifting the two bad things are the things that have gone well. I started writing my dream blog and started my photography page despite how sensitive I'm about it. I learned how to drive and got my license and actually found driving to be fun. I read like a shipwrecked victim before a sumptuous meal and that too fairly adventurously :) Also managed to catch up with a lot of friends and meet them. Played a part in a new initiative and lead a small part of it. Managed to replenish some part of my thoughts and lack of belief :) and so the list goes.
There is no use weighing the two against each other because it doesn't matter. Good things have happened and that's more than enough.
It is going to be a slow journey up hill and I'm 110% sure that there are going to be more down hills in future, maybe even steeper than this one, but ultimately it has helped me understand and do a lot and above all to question fears,beliefs and assumptions usually beyond your reach. Also I'm in no hurry to reach the top of the hill because the journey there matters a whole world more.
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